For many months now I have been contemplating a blog post about publicly speaking of my personal life. I had almost completely stopped saying anything, because indeed my life is not one of any great spiritual achievements. In one sense, when I did speak of my spiritual life, it was to show my struggles for the benefit of others.
I was just looking in the Prīti Sandarbha (15) where Jiva Goswami brings up the story of Kardama’s leaving his body (3.24.41-47). According to him, this happened in three stages, Brahman (43), Paramātmā (45) and Bhagavān (47). Vishwanath explains the verses quite differently. No matter, that is not the point here. In verse 44, the word sva-dṛk appears, which Sridhar says means “seeing himself” (svam eva paśyan). Sri Jiva has “seeing himself as non-different from Brahman” (sva-svarūpābhedena brahmaiva paśyan), but Vishwanath says, “one who sees how much devotion he has in himself, how much there was and how much there will be” (svasminn eva bhaktiḥ kiyaty abhūd bhavati bhaviṣyatīti dṛg dṛṣṭir yasya saḥ). In other words, honest self-examination of one’s progress as a sādhaka.
Should one make such things public? I answered Premanidhi Dasji, who pointed out that when Babaji holds a retreat, he asks his disciples to make a vow for the seven or however many days, but not to tell anyone else what it is. This of course echoes the famous instruction of Narottam Das—
āpana bhajana kathā, nā kahiba yathā tathā, ihāte hoiba sābadhāna |
nā kariho keho roṣa, nā loiho keho doṣa, praṇamahu bhaktera caraṇa ||119||
"Do not talk about your bhajana to anyone and everyone. Be attentive in this matter. May no one be angry about this or consider it a fault. I bow down to the feet of all devotees."
Also one should look at the second-to-last anuccheda of Bhakti Sandarbha (339), but there it is specifically mentioned, “If by the mercy bestowed by one’s guru or Bhagavān, one has realized some confidential truth regarding the practice or the goal of devotion, and which has become one’s very existence, it should not be disclosed to anybody.” (अत्र च श्रीगुरोः श्रीभगवतो वा प्रसादलब्धं साधनसाध्यगतं स्वीयसर्वस्वभूतं यत् किमपि रहस्यं, तत्तु न कस्मैचित् प्रकाशनीयम्).
Here it is said, “some confidential truth,” which I understand to mean some special vision or intimate personal revelation, not the externals of bhajan. Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudeva also says that it is only the most stupid who have visions of the Deity and go around proclaiming them. A true siddha is a lot more serious than that!
Nevertheless, I have always felt that others can learn from another’s difficulties and even from fall-downs, especially if one is honest about the experience. After all, there is no success like failure, as Bob Dylan said. No greater learning experience.
Even the other day, when I was reading in the introduction to Manohar Das Babaji’s life where the publisher, his disciple Pandit Krishnadas Babaji, says, “In a spiritual aspirant’s lif where by the force of his practice he attains a state where he can no longer be called an ordinary man. His other-worldly glories become a source of inspiration to ordinary people in their religious life, so the word siddha actually means one who has achieved success or accomplishment in the life of sādhanā. Therefore it is enough to observe the actions of one who achieved such a state. But people are of the nature of desiring to hear more than just the outcome of the spiritual practice, they want to know the whole personality of the siddha, inside and out. They want to know by what force of character, what were the particulars of his practice, and what he was like after achieving spiritual success, etc., and they do not feel satisfied until they know it all. This is because it is rare in the real world to see ideals matched by an individual’s personal example.”
This does not mean I think I have achieved any particular greatness. Indeed, any account of my personal life is in the natural character of devotion itself – as Vishwanath himself points out – that in self examination a devotee naturally sees his failings rather than his glorious achievements, and if there are any achievements, they are the result of Guru and Krishna’s grace and not due to any special quality of his own.
Nowadays, it is considered a great quality and indeed a necessity to be expert at self-promotion. Perhaps I suffer from such a defect due to the nature of the age in which I was born and live, but I assure you that this is hardly my intent. I admit that my public self examination, limited though it is in its honesty due to various factors (which no doubt one day will be spoken of), is a consequence of the modern sensibility, the desire to understand the psychology of humankind, and in particular the psychology of one who follows a spiritual path, in particular again, of this spiritual path. Who can judge its meaningfulness or lack thereof from what it reveals?
Of course, it is tiresome for a pure devotee, who has no interest in anything but pure devotion, to hear of struggles and failures, but hopefully there will be more to this series than that. Anyway, my trivial attempt at a small vrata is like nothing compared to giants of the past like Manohar Das Baba, so I don't think that the problem of pratiṣṭhā is really a problem. I do this to give myself strength, and if anyone else finds inspiration from my experience, so much the better.
I was just looking in the Prīti Sandarbha (15) where Jiva Goswami brings up the story of Kardama’s leaving his body (3.24.41-47). According to him, this happened in three stages, Brahman (43), Paramātmā (45) and Bhagavān (47). Vishwanath explains the verses quite differently. No matter, that is not the point here. In verse 44, the word sva-dṛk appears, which Sridhar says means “seeing himself” (svam eva paśyan). Sri Jiva has “seeing himself as non-different from Brahman” (sva-svarūpābhedena brahmaiva paśyan), but Vishwanath says, “one who sees how much devotion he has in himself, how much there was and how much there will be” (svasminn eva bhaktiḥ kiyaty abhūd bhavati bhaviṣyatīti dṛg dṛṣṭir yasya saḥ). In other words, honest self-examination of one’s progress as a sādhaka.
Should one make such things public? I answered Premanidhi Dasji, who pointed out that when Babaji holds a retreat, he asks his disciples to make a vow for the seven or however many days, but not to tell anyone else what it is. This of course echoes the famous instruction of Narottam Das—
āpana bhajana kathā, nā kahiba yathā tathā, ihāte hoiba sābadhāna |
nā kariho keho roṣa, nā loiho keho doṣa, praṇamahu bhaktera caraṇa ||119||
"Do not talk about your bhajana to anyone and everyone. Be attentive in this matter. May no one be angry about this or consider it a fault. I bow down to the feet of all devotees."
Also one should look at the second-to-last anuccheda of Bhakti Sandarbha (339), but there it is specifically mentioned, “If by the mercy bestowed by one’s guru or Bhagavān, one has realized some confidential truth regarding the practice or the goal of devotion, and which has become one’s very existence, it should not be disclosed to anybody.” (अत्र च श्रीगुरोः श्रीभगवतो वा प्रसादलब्धं साधनसाध्यगतं स्वीयसर्वस्वभूतं यत् किमपि रहस्यं, तत्तु न कस्मैचित् प्रकाशनीयम्).
Here it is said, “some confidential truth,” which I understand to mean some special vision or intimate personal revelation, not the externals of bhajan. Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudeva also says that it is only the most stupid who have visions of the Deity and go around proclaiming them. A true siddha is a lot more serious than that!
Nevertheless, I have always felt that others can learn from another’s difficulties and even from fall-downs, especially if one is honest about the experience. After all, there is no success like failure, as Bob Dylan said. No greater learning experience.
Even the other day, when I was reading in the introduction to Manohar Das Babaji’s life where the publisher, his disciple Pandit Krishnadas Babaji, says, “In a spiritual aspirant’s lif where by the force of his practice he attains a state where he can no longer be called an ordinary man. His other-worldly glories become a source of inspiration to ordinary people in their religious life, so the word siddha actually means one who has achieved success or accomplishment in the life of sādhanā. Therefore it is enough to observe the actions of one who achieved such a state. But people are of the nature of desiring to hear more than just the outcome of the spiritual practice, they want to know the whole personality of the siddha, inside and out. They want to know by what force of character, what were the particulars of his practice, and what he was like after achieving spiritual success, etc., and they do not feel satisfied until they know it all. This is because it is rare in the real world to see ideals matched by an individual’s personal example.”
This does not mean I think I have achieved any particular greatness. Indeed, any account of my personal life is in the natural character of devotion itself – as Vishwanath himself points out – that in self examination a devotee naturally sees his failings rather than his glorious achievements, and if there are any achievements, they are the result of Guru and Krishna’s grace and not due to any special quality of his own.
Nowadays, it is considered a great quality and indeed a necessity to be expert at self-promotion. Perhaps I suffer from such a defect due to the nature of the age in which I was born and live, but I assure you that this is hardly my intent. I admit that my public self examination, limited though it is in its honesty due to various factors (which no doubt one day will be spoken of), is a consequence of the modern sensibility, the desire to understand the psychology of humankind, and in particular the psychology of one who follows a spiritual path, in particular again, of this spiritual path. Who can judge its meaningfulness or lack thereof from what it reveals?
Of course, it is tiresome for a pure devotee, who has no interest in anything but pure devotion, to hear of struggles and failures, but hopefully there will be more to this series than that. Anyway, my trivial attempt at a small vrata is like nothing compared to giants of the past like Manohar Das Baba, so I don't think that the problem of pratiṣṭhā is really a problem. I do this to give myself strength, and if anyone else finds inspiration from my experience, so much the better.
So just to resume the day, briefly. Babaji has started giving his classes again after a break during which he was unwell, and will be speaking daily in the evening at eight o’clock. I am writing this just before the class, which I will attend regularly. The subject on Sundays is the Rasa-Panchadhyaya, and starting on Monday, Rāga-vartma-candrikā. It is only correct that I attend.
We are all following along and several auditors are following along in the GGM document, so corrections are being made, which truly warms my heart. Babaji is following only Vishwanath’s commentary. Vishwanath’s influence on the sampradaya in some way eclipses that of Jiva Goswami, and that is something that we can talk about another time.
Because my sleep was disrupted the last couple of days, I awoke at about quarter to four and got quickly into my asana and chanted half my daily requirement by 6.30. Then I did my joints and glands exercises and a few sūrya namaskāras, and cleaned up. After my exercises I had to bath again I was so sweaty my kaupin looked like it had been placed in a bucket of water. I got back into padmāsana for the third cycle, but my knees resisted.
Sitting properly is hard work in itself, believe it or not, and I am taking a lot of care of my back and knees so that I can see this month through. I wanted to write more about āsana yesterday, which is why I quoted from the sixth chapter of the Gītā and perhaps I will still get back to that on another day.
At some point in my life I realized that I had no anurāga and that, rightly or wrongly, I needed to cultivate a few technical skills in meditation in order to achieve a fuller capacity for bhakti-sādhanā, and that is what I am putting into effect today.
I have added Bhajana-rahasya to my daily routine as mentioned in Day I, and I will continue to do so in the spiritual of “taking up from where I began.” I have already memorized more than half of the Sanskrit verses in the book and will try to memorize the rest and use these verses as a regular companion to my meditation, especially including the aṣṭa-kāla verses, with which each chapter concludes.
Unfortunately I did not even open the Prīti Sandarbha today, but instead ended up reading through the life of Siddha Chaitanya Das Babaji, one of the heroes Gadadhar Pran Dasji follows. I liked it a lot. His was quite different from Manohar Das’s practice, though there are naturally features that are shared between the two, as both are Vaishnavas devoted to the Holy Name and the culture of humility.
Just one thing that is worth mentioning here, Chaitanya Das would say, “A person who is not following the path of rāga is always beset by doubts about what to do and what not to do, what to hear and what not to hear, whom to associate with and whom not. On the rāga path, that is not a problem because one follows one’s heart and one’s taste.”
This is very true. Unfortunately, most people are bound by some false idea of a single “correct way” and cannot understand the character of those whose way is different. Chaitanya Das’s influence on Nabadwip and the devotional culture there was very great, but as the author Haridas Goswami notes on a couple of occasions, “No longer that Rama, no longer that golden kingdom.”
He says that in Chaitanya Das’s time, a man wearing woman’s clothing as a kind of transgender was not viewed in abhorrence as it is today, nor was there such an animus against nāgarī bhajana as there is today. Chaitanya Das dressed as a woman and even used to bathe at the women's ghat, but the women apparently accepted him and he spoke with them all, treating them as if they were all expansions of Vishnupriya Devi, whom he considered to be the manifestation of Radha.
Chaitanya Das left his body in 1877 and Haridas Goswami was writing probably in the 1950’s, but if Gadadhar Pran’s testimony is to be believed, due to the influence of the Vrindavan and Radha Kund babajis, it is slowly being completely annihilated everywhere. Anyway, I found that tears were coming to my eyes reading Haridas Goswami’s account, especially the last days of Siddha Baba’s life and I hope that open-minded devotees will take inspiration from his life story also. .
Jai Sri Radhe. See you tomorrow.
Sitting properly is hard work in itself, believe it or not, and I am taking a lot of care of my back and knees so that I can see this month through. I wanted to write more about āsana yesterday, which is why I quoted from the sixth chapter of the Gītā and perhaps I will still get back to that on another day.
At some point in my life I realized that I had no anurāga and that, rightly or wrongly, I needed to cultivate a few technical skills in meditation in order to achieve a fuller capacity for bhakti-sādhanā, and that is what I am putting into effect today.
I have added Bhajana-rahasya to my daily routine as mentioned in Day I, and I will continue to do so in the spiritual of “taking up from where I began.” I have already memorized more than half of the Sanskrit verses in the book and will try to memorize the rest and use these verses as a regular companion to my meditation, especially including the aṣṭa-kāla verses, with which each chapter concludes.
Unfortunately I did not even open the Prīti Sandarbha today, but instead ended up reading through the life of Siddha Chaitanya Das Babaji, one of the heroes Gadadhar Pran Dasji follows. I liked it a lot. His was quite different from Manohar Das’s practice, though there are naturally features that are shared between the two, as both are Vaishnavas devoted to the Holy Name and the culture of humility.
Just one thing that is worth mentioning here, Chaitanya Das would say, “A person who is not following the path of rāga is always beset by doubts about what to do and what not to do, what to hear and what not to hear, whom to associate with and whom not. On the rāga path, that is not a problem because one follows one’s heart and one’s taste.”
This is very true. Unfortunately, most people are bound by some false idea of a single “correct way” and cannot understand the character of those whose way is different. Chaitanya Das’s influence on Nabadwip and the devotional culture there was very great, but as the author Haridas Goswami notes on a couple of occasions, “No longer that Rama, no longer that golden kingdom.”
He says that in Chaitanya Das’s time, a man wearing woman’s clothing as a kind of transgender was not viewed in abhorrence as it is today, nor was there such an animus against nāgarī bhajana as there is today. Chaitanya Das dressed as a woman and even used to bathe at the women's ghat, but the women apparently accepted him and he spoke with them all, treating them as if they were all expansions of Vishnupriya Devi, whom he considered to be the manifestation of Radha.
Chaitanya Das left his body in 1877 and Haridas Goswami was writing probably in the 1950’s, but if Gadadhar Pran’s testimony is to be believed, due to the influence of the Vrindavan and Radha Kund babajis, it is slowly being completely annihilated everywhere. Anyway, I found that tears were coming to my eyes reading Haridas Goswami’s account, especially the last days of Siddha Baba’s life and I hope that open-minded devotees will take inspiration from his life story also. .
Jai Sri Radhe. See you tomorrow.
Ādeśa - Dearest Hiraṇya-Garbhá Dāś,
ReplyDeleteA true siddha is one clothed in light (this is the original clothing of the divine feminine).
Take heart bother…
Yours,
MN
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